Stop Annoying Phone Calls. Hopefully.
Do you get annoying phone calls, even though your number is on the U.S. Government’s “Do Not Call” list? Here are some fun ways you can use to try and stop them. Sadly, if someone is willing to break the law to call you, they’re probably not willing to follow the law and stop. So, your mileage may vary.
You can legally be called by any political group, survey company, or non-profit outfit that cares to pester you, but they can’t call you at unreasonable hours. Politely ask them to stop calling you and they usually will.
If they won’t get off the line, ask who they like in the playoffs this year, or if they know how to tell if you need new tires. Tell them what you like to eat at picnics in the Poconos in August. Don’t let up.
Some for-profit companies will have a fake non-profit arm call and line up appointments for them. Just tell those callers you don’t do business with dishonest people, ask them to stop calling you, and hang up.
The techniques here are for those creeps who are out to steal your identity or your money and you’re about to hand it over to them on a silver platter. They know they’re robbing people, but they make really good money doing it.
Don’t be surprised if a scammer is rude to you when you trick them. You’re dealing with lowlife white-collar criminals and you’re not doing what they want.
I get calls for overpriced diabetic supplies, work-from-home scams, medical insurance, lower credit card rates, and more. (If you were a legitimate credit card company, you would already know my credit card number and my balances. Duh.)
These calls are all total scams, fishing for your personal info so they can cheat and rob you, or sell you junk products at super-inflated prices. Many are placed from another country so they legally don’t have to stop if you ask them.
Besides, if a total stranger called you on the phone and asked how much you owe on your credit cards and then wants all the numbers from those cards, what would your banker tell you to do?
How about, “Wow! That sounds really interesting. Uhhh, hang on just a minute, somebody’s at the door. I’ll be right back.”
If they ask for someone by name, “Yeah, that sounds pretty important. He just went next door. I’ll go get him. I’ll be right back.”
If they ask about your credit cards or your gas bills, just say, “I’m not really sure. I’ll go get my last bill. I’ll be right back.”
Set the phone down. Hang it up when it beeps really loud.
While they’re waiting, Google the phone number from your Caller ID and get some background about them (no dashes or spaces, just put 6467340567 in the Search box).
Time is the one thing they hate to lose since they only get paid for pulling valuable info from suckers. Works even better if they can hear ordinary family noises, like the TV or people talking. Play some crappy music for them. Or talk out loud while you Google their info. They’ll stop calling.
If they do call again, make them wait five or ten minutes while you “get the door,” then pick up the phone and plainly tell them you’re going to do the same thing every time they call, and hang up.
Or, you could have some fun. “What’s your name? Are you married? What do you do for fun? I don’t have any friends, would you like to be my friend?” Stay totally off-topic and completely ignore any questions. ”I just LOVE red basketball shoes. Do you like red basketball shoes? I just LOVE Lady Gaga . . . ”
Maybe you’d prefer, “Which video games do you like? I’m really good at Pac-Man.” Act mentally challenged. Let them go through their entire canned speech but answer all their questions in a way that totally disqualifies you from anything sold anywhere. “I think my credit card company owes me about a million dollars. I’m not sure. Uhh, what was the question again?” Tell them you have to go now, your Mom is calling you for dinner and you have to do your chores right after that. Make them promise to call you back tomorrow and hang up.
Stutter and stammer. Then keep changing your mind and your answers while correcting yourself non-stop.
Put him on speaker phone and clearly say to a non-existent accomplice, “Hey, Joey. I’m prankin’ some scammer. Go get the video camera and we’ll have some fun with him.”
Or just flat out ask if you can record your conversation and post it on YouTube. ”Why not? Besides, you wouldn’t know if I did it anyway. How do you spell the name of your company?”
Or, “Hey, where are you right now?” Demand their full company name and spell it back to them, very slowly. Get their street address, both for the call center and the corporate headquarters. Tell them to hang on just a minute while you Google all of it. Take your time and tell them about everything you find, and what you think of it, and ask what they think of it. Be friendly, you want to keep them on the phone as long as possible (it won’t be long).
If they won’t answer your questions, obviously you’re not going to answer theirs. “I’d have to be a complete idiot to do business with anyone who doesn’t even know the name of their company and their own address, or is forbidden to tell me. Why would I tell you anything?”
Act drunk. Demand they meet you for a drink. Repeatedly. Even after they agree to do it. Talk about nothing else.
Since Sept. 2009, all automated sales robo-calls must now be authorized by you, in writing, in advance. Anything else is illegal and carries a federal fine of $16,000 per phone call. Anyone willing to commit multiple crimes on that scale is definitely not worried about robbing you or giving you good service. There are exceptions for purely informational calls — your next dental appointment, your flight’s been cancelled, emergency messages, and a few others.
There’s another fun, easy way to make the rest stop calling you.
This one’s great for political calls from the wrong party, “firemen’s league volunteers” that turn most of the money into their own salaries, or anyone else that annoys you.
Wait until they have a question and pause, then announce in a happy voice . . .
“Thank you for calling our Consumer Information and Marketing Hotline Service with your important consumer question. The fee for using this service is $100 for the first minute and $10 for each additional minute. In order to continue, I’ll need your credit card number, or a company purchase order number, or we can arrange financing for you. How would you like to pay today?”
You can add some variety. Maybe they “still haven’t paid the bill from the last time they called,” or you could ask for the employee’s full name and business address so you can send them the bill personally to make sure it doesn’t end up on the wrong desk, etc. They bothered you. Have some fun!
Smart folks will just hang up and take you off their list.
Dummies will apologize and say they made a mistake, that they didn’t know about your “service.”
Either way, they know they’re not going to make any headway today or any time in the future.
Continue your ruse and tell them, “That’s OK. It happens. I just need an email from your manager, stating that you didn’t know about the fees for our service, and I’ll tear up your bill just as soon as I get that email.”
Drop one of the letters from your email address (or just make up a silly one) so their message will bounce and they’ll waste their time, knowing they don’t dare call you back for the correct address.
If they ever call again for any reason, they can’t claim ignorance, so demand your payment from their last call!
For legitimate calls, you can just politely ask them to take your name off their list. There’s no reason to be rude.
Finally, there’s one you can try if a particular outfit just keeps calling back. Use Google to find a copy of “number disconnected mp3″ and download the file. I can’t personally vouch for this one, but some folks claim that modern auto-dialers are designed to respond to that old “dah-dah-dah — The number you have called is not in service at this time” recording. The story is that if you can play that series of tones from your PC into your phone, they may automatically pull your number. It sounds like a lot of work to me, so I’m just going with, “Do you have a cat? I just love cats. I have a Persian named Muffin. He’s about 5 years old, and we got him from my friend, Alice. Alice loves cats, too. She lives in New Hampshire . . . ”
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